Tuesday, September 23, 2014

say no to sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs

Screw you, Chuck Zlosterman.

I read your book and it was one of the most well written pieces of self deprecating garbage I have ever read. And I read a lot of garbage. But what you've done with the book, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs has currently placed you in second for my (drum roll please) "People-I-have-never-met-but-I believe-them-to-be-my-nemesis" list.

But hey Chuckie Chuck. I guess you did something right by aggravating me to the point where I felt it necessary to write my first book review.

First, I will point out that I did not purchase this book. Someone asked me if I wanted to borrow the book. What was their pitch? Oh, I'll tell you.

"Do you want to read this book? You can borrow it. It was terrible."

That should have been the first sign that I'd hate it.

It also took years before I even looked at it. I left it laying around my house, packed, moved, unpacked, let it lay around a second house and then only read it when my power went out. A.K.A. I was bored out of my freakin' mind.

Now, I read through the whole thing. At times I wanted to spike the literature out the window. However and like I said; it was well written. And even if I was fundamentally revolted by the content, I was willing to read something, "well presented".

Klosterman begins by complaining that no woman will ever satisfy him. Mostly because he's a moron and tries to be someone that he's not. But then he goes on and complains throughout the book by sharing his misguided beliefs on how it's the "cool kids" fault. Or Coldplays. Or whatever else? Because being published and being a senior writer for SPIN magazine is the epitome of uncool right Chuck? I suspect most of your problems actually have more to do with your inner struggles coping with "Man PMS".

Most of the book is tongue-and-cheek. He is a lone, vapid, hipster struggling to feel something and get life right. But with all his semi valid points and pop reference anecdotes, I found it disheartening that he spends a long time focusing on things like The Real World and Saved By The Bell. Then, in his next breath, he takes wonderful things and smashes them under his foot. And when you add the fact that he pieces it all together in a bizarrely fragmented contradiction, a looping bad record, I just can't take it.

I mean, seriously, Klosterman you sound like an asshole.

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